2009: My Year to be Selfish -- in the good and the bad

When 2009 arrived I was worn out and tired of going thru the motions. I was frustrated with myself for always thinking of other people just so I didn't have to think about myself and my life. I was unsatisfied on so many levels. So I declared 2009 my year to be selfish and do what I wanted to do.

I went solo for the first time since I was 19, I got a studio apartment and Dexter & I were back to how we were when it all started.

I left my grown up job behind me and went back to school to follow my dream of being a Teacher. (January 2009) My first semester back went awesome, and I finished with a 4.0. Which I had never thought possible. I had loved my classes and was very happy with the decision to go back.

A few days before the new year (Dec 2008) my exhusband and I were on speaking terms again for the first time in 2 years and I thought there was a chance he would finally help me clean up the financial mess that he had created with his gambling problem. We didn't speak often, and promised money never came. The only thing that I gained from that was finally facing the emotions I had been running from, getting to finally yell at him like I never let myself before, and receiving closure in the last months of the year (Dec 2009).

Sadly the Fall Semester at school did not go well at all. (Aug 2009) The same week the semester started I was fired from my second job as a bartender (the money I made there as the only reason I had time to go back to school). It was a bitter sweet situation. As I worked there I realized how shadey of a place it was, the people that owned it and some that worked there, and some that came in. A close friend is the one that cost me the job so I was fortunate in finally letting go of that unhealthy friendship that I had become rather reliant on. Getting rid of the situation (the job & friend) was good... losing the income was like being thrown into the ocean with a boulder tied to my neck. Depression hit me hard, my exhusband told me that it wasn't his problem, and that was more true than I could swallow. His debts were in my name, and no one has to pay them but me... I should be used to that idea after 3 years... This is when it hit me that my 2 1/2 year marriage really could take 6 years to clean up. (That is why I've decided I will love turning 30.) Depression and my classes didn't mix, and after attempting to make it thru I dropped out when there were 2 weeks left (Dec 2009). But I feel good about that decision as foolish as that may sound.

Once I accepted my defeat (not with pride, but with honesty) I started feeling better, and after 3 months of pretty solid depression I've had about a month of feeling great. And it's clear to me and some close friends that I have to get the financial stress of my divorce behind me before I can focus on school again. Once the debt is off my back, the anger and the stress will loosen it's grip on my thought.

I had a lot of great times with friends this year. Met a few people that put a smile on my face just because they're wonderful. I acted a little immature sometimes, and I realized I'm too old for stupid games other times. I did a few things I'm not proud of, but they are still things that helped me learn a bit about myself.

2009 was a year of exploring myself and living by that gut feeling. And though I faced my lowest lows since 2006, I feel like I finally see myself when I look in the mirror. I'm finally living in the moment and not the past.

Things I'm grateful for in 2009:
Becky DePlacito coming to visit for my birthday
Ryan Echols coming to visit from Alaska after not seeing eachother in about 8 years
Meeting Matt & Andrea
Great times with my "little sister" Erica
Unconditional love from my Dexter
Scott & Kayla getting married. I love these 2 together
And much much more.