Supporting & Encouraging

It was kind of entertaining last night that somehow Kevin, Scott & I all got into reading a few things I'd written in the past. Kevin had said once that it's a pet peeve of his to have people ask him to read their poetry & such... cause he usually doesn't think it's any good. He asked me to never ask this favor, and I was fine with that. I enjoy writing, especially in those moments when I feel my thoughts fall into place and words and feelings unite. It's honestly thrilling to me. People have said in the past that I'm a good writer, and at the community college my professor adored things I wrote. I'm grateful for this "gift" as some might call it.

So when Scott encouraged me to share things I had written Kevin got uncomfortable and hmmm'd and haa'd a bit, and even found an excuse to leave the room. Scott loved what I was sharing (In Quiet Places), and connected with it (just like I knew he would since we really have a lot in common) and when Kevin came back into the room he was forced to listen.

It was absolutely wonderful to have Kevin fall in love with my words. He even took a turn reading it out loud. The drunken Kevin started ranting and raving about how this is what I need to do with my life, write a book. He said it didn't matter if I ever found a "real job" cause he would love to support us until the world realized the value of my talent.

So this is why I've thrown a whole bunch of things I had written in the past on here. To kind of squish it all together.

I need to give myself moments to be inspired and let my mind do what it was created for. I need to sit still more often, walk a little slower, and open my eyes to more around me. Then I will use my gifts for what they are meant for.

How did I get so lucky as to have found someone that loves and adores the "little things" about me, and makes a big deal about them. Even when he sees me at my weakest, and listens to me at my angriest, and holds me at my saddest... he still reminds me that I am always one of the strongest and most special people he's ever known. And he believes it enough to help me believe it. :)

24 going on 2 (Feb 1, 2008)

Just for fun… the first thing I thought when I woke up this morning was "Yes, Schools cancelled!!!!" I didn't do the traditional dance that came so naturally as a kid. Even though there is no part of me that is still in school, I wanted to experience the PURE JOY I used to on 'snow days'. It's true, I still play pretend… it's more fun than waking up griping about not wanting to go to work… which is exactly what my brother was doing.

Now days I have my "Big Girl Job" that could only be 'cancelled' if there was no power. But that didn't stop me from taking my sweet time cleaning off my car and rolling in the snow with my overjoyed puppy. (Snow is like Cocaine to him, he sniffs the hell out of it and he's totally trippin' on happiness)

I've been in this "survival" mode for the past couple years, living a miserable life ruled by responsibility and necessity. (I only used the word miserable for dramatic effect, I'm too laid back to be truly miserable)

More recently I've decided it's playtime, and I've reverted back to the mental state of a child … (some of you may think I was already there… ohhhhh, but it's even better now) …..the simple life is the only way to go.

I've decided to rediscover the nooks and crannies of the world … I could always use a buddy if anyone wants to come … and I'd love an invite if you're playing already.

So who wants to Build a Snowman with me???????

So there's this box... that isn't so much a real box (February 22, 2008)

Recently I realized I'm a lot like a Mime...

noooo... not in the obvious way that I'm a creepy person that is going to invade your space in attempts to impress you with my imaginary world...

but in the deeper sense that I'm trapped in a box that has no walls other than the ones I create by deciding I can't reach any farther.

I've been getting slightly irritated with myself as I have this overwhelming desire to play and play and play... which sadly is only 1/2 Ass cause what I want first is for it to be warmer outside and then I will uncontrollably play and play and play until I am utterly exhausted. But back to my frustration... I'm a scaredy cat... in an imaginary box.

Yes, it's true, you all may be quite shocked ... but this big strong intimidating shell (that you all know as my roided up body) is only protecting a frightened shivering baby bird inside that's wondering why the hell the nest is so high up. .... Ok, the only part that really applies to me is the fear of heights. And perhaps the shivering... does everyone understand by now that I'm friggin done with winter... no mas por favor!!! (and I used to brag I'm from Wisconsin and therefore invincible... clearly I've been in MO too long and have become a sissy like the rest... lol... feel free to send hate mail, I'm a Cubs Fan too... you should have plenty to say to me with those 2 statements.

**** ok all my friends from growing up... you may be wondering when I became a Cubs Fan... well pretty much since I moved to St. Louis and have discovered the cheap thrill of being able to control an entire city's blood pressure from the simple statement "I like the Cubs". Which .... sadly this may be removed from my vocab here shortly ... Oh the sacrifices one must make to keep a sexy sexy man around.... (with an amazing personality... of course, cause I have never ever been the least bit shallow.. ha... tssh) ****

Apparently also like a Mime, I am unstable in my topic... I can jump from being trapped in the box, to climbing stairs, to pulling on a rope attached to something extremely heavy... and then crying about it... but alas there is a very good chance I will find a great smelling (invisible) flower growing in the cement sidewalk.

So....yeah... back to the unnecessary limits I have set for myself. What sparked this tangent is that I was recently invited to go Rock Climbing with a co-worker. There have been several times that she has expressed how 'cool' she thinks I am. I think I lost all 'coolness' as the words "I'm scared of heights" slipped in slow motion out of my mouth. The look on her face said it all. I felt like that shrimpy kid on the playground that the tough kids couldn't believe just asked if she could play too... But don't worry I think I recovered by saying in a really cool voice "I could totally try anyway, I mean, I was scared of heights a looooong time ago... I-I-I'm probably totally over it now". And as she encouraged me to definitely try, my mind was flipping thru all the experiences I've had where my eyes were squeezed painfully tight & I couldn't get close enough to the ground... which once meant the floor of a completely enclosed amusement park ride, that didn't go fast enough to require strapping in... or a "this high to ride" sign at the entrance. Sad because I was at least 14 at the time... YES! amusing at my expense... I absolutely believe so. I've revealed much more embarrassing stories though.

So... what are some fears/insecurities I have decided to ATTEMPT to overcome. (this moment is what I like to refer to as exposing my tender underbelly)

HEIGHTS... within reason... the thought of going up in the Arch makes me a tad dizzy.

SINGING ..... (Karaoke) ... I've totally sang with others but for some reason no one can ever hear me... LOL such a shame... but seriously... my brother used to pick on me, so I learned to make my voice blend... you can rarely pick it out. And things have only gotten worse since I've become a sinner and don't sing at church regularly... no angel's voice here. I have no fear of being in front of people, or making an ass of myself... unless I want to not sound like an ass (and by that I do mean donkey) when I'm actually trying, that's what holds me back.

PLAYING AN INSTRUMENT... I did my share of trying out a few while young... none stuck.. other than the Kazoo, I totally do a tight 'Mary Had a Little Lamb'. But I do long for some respectable skills, other than my nun chuck skills... I want something that sounds perdy or better yet... totally rockin. Yeah, that'd be sweet. I totally kick my ass for all the times an instrument was handed to me and I pushed it away... for what reason? Not a good one... I can tell you that much.

FAILURE .... this my friends is a huge one. My family has this horrible trait of avoiding things we don't think we'll be good at... I will do about anything, but once it is "requested" of me... I shut off. Once I'm aware of an expectation, I face the opportunity to disappoint not only others but myself. And I won't take another step. When I know someone is trying to figure me out I have found myself "introducing" myself as a pretty simple, perhaps shy, "not so special" person.... but once they have accepted that as me... I tend to put myself on the line more... cause there's no expectation which offers no real failure. I avoid expectation like the plague.

GREEN EGGS AND HAM ... I will not eat them on a train, or in the Rain. I will not eat them in my socks or with a fox. I will not eat them in a house, or with a mouse. This one I'm sticking to...
There are more but I've probably lost most of my "faithful" readers by now... damn can I ramble with the best of the crazy bums on the street.

In Short I want to take more chances... not BIG BIG ones, just the ones that won't kill me... For any of you that are still reading this, I fully encourage you to cluck like a chicken at me when I pull out my box.

Humpty Dumpty sat on a Wall (April 12, 2008)

Once again I'm reminded that my heart is still fragile...

I care instantly; I've always been horribly guilty of that. I care about people before even a word is spoken, before I know they're name, and I may never speak to them or know their name but very often if I have looked at their face I care if they are happy. It's actually a fun trait to have ... I don't feel there are enough people that care with no strings attached, open mindedly just caring... no judgments and no offenses.

I will sit and listen to practically anyone for practically any amount of time (I'm not a saint after all, there are people I day dream of being deprived of the privilege to speak... lol... I guess I just ruined my sweetheart image I was going for) It can be a friend I've known for years or just months... even days, an acquaintance, someone I talk to daily or someone that pops up every 6 months...lol... you know who you are (but don't worry there's more than one of you I was poking at with that comment, all in good fun) ... I am just one of those people under the "good listener" category in the yellow pages.

Though I care instantly, my heart isn't for the taking... very few bust thru that hard candy coating. But the day I realize they have claimed their place, is the day I try to prepare myself for the time that they will take my friendship lightly... and break my heart... despite the little plastic green army men I have standing guard.

This week I realized it happened again... I saw it coming, I tried to prepare myself, I tried to convince myself to make the move first and say "I've had enough, find a new door mat". Despite my emotional buffering, the blow came, and it came hard.

The worst thing... is it comes in silence... utter silence. The kind that makes your skin crawl. The kind the leaves your eyes and ears searching for one sign, as microscopic as it might be... searching for just one word that they still appreciate you and haven't really turned their back. And then a startling noise breaks the silence...

The noise of my heart shattering to pieces

That's the point of no return... that's when they slip back into the same category anyone can be in... I care about them... but they have no claim on my heart... and it's doubtful that they ever will again.

It hurts... it hurts like hell... I can't shake it off and say "they're loss, it obviously didn't mean much anyway" That would be a lie, cause it meant a lot to me... and there is no way for me to pretend that it didn't. Not many know the complete unfiltered Charlotte... so it sucks to lose someone that does, and it should.

The good times were truly good, in every sense of the word. The emotions were real... when she hurt I hurt, when she laughed... I was only encouraged in my bizarre behavior... our secrets were truly secrets; no feather could make me cave.

I've learned a lot... and I'll file it away somewhere in my dysfunctional mind. I guess if you're gonna ride the bull you have to realize there's not so much a 50/50 chance of coming out on top.

I guess that's it for now... I gotta go set up my plastic army men again. Thanks for listening...

In Quiet Places

As I perched myself on a rock in the woods of Greenfelder park, I quietly observed the sights and sounds of nature that are far too foreign to me these days. I eagerly attempted to replace the chaos of my mind with the sounds of leaves rustled by the breeze, the song of the birds and the simplicity of something bigger than me. As I became aware of a creepy bug clumsily making its way across gravel and twigs, I realized I was jealous of its uncomplicated life. What pain could it possibly experience that could alter every choice it made from then on? (other than losing one of its 6 or so legs) What mistakes could be haunting its thoughts? What vices could it abuse to escape the prison of its own mind? There couldn’t possibly be any that compare to the ones that have given this knot residency in my stomach for so many years.

As I mocked its existence I noticed it started to pace, then circle the top of a ridged stone and I wondered what could have happened to make it question its carefree trek. For such a worthless bug what meager thought could have interrupted its progress? The more I watched it tire itself in repeating its footsteps I realized once again that there is so much to misunderstand in life.

I laughed at the thought that I probably look just as foolish to anyone that might take time to observe me. Too often I come to a halt and look around to figure out where my busy feet have taken me. I reflect on the road that brought me to this point of either satisfaction or disappointment. I judge whether I have lead myself closer or farther from the dreamed destination and what changes need to be made to get there. Or if I even still want to get there. Too frequently I debate if there is a way to back track and erase the things I would rather go without memory of or wounds from. But that’s not realistic and there are too many good things intertwined with the bad to make the cost worth paying.

The harsh reality is that if I’m not satisfied with the past, continuing in the same direction most likely isn’t going to bring any more satisfaction. To the right lays the instability of a fallen leaf, shaky ground that could crumble beneath my feet or tilt to change my direction without me realizing, but is quite enticing with its spontaneous nature. To the left a straight and narrow twig that has a precise direction, but when I get to the end will it be what I thought, hoped, or believed?

I didn’t really have an “AH HA” moment, where I feel like I know exactly what I need to do next. I simply entertained myself with the thought of this insect questioning its next step just as much as I do my own as I look down on it, it is unaware of me like my troubles blind me from all that is bigger than myself.

Over the years people have told me that I only carry such burdens because God knows I can handle it. They say “of course you can go on, look at all that you have been through”, “this is nothing for you, you’ve been through hell and back”. This past month I feel like I can’t carry them anymore, I feel like I have crumbled under the weight, I’ve made desperate choices hoping they will lighten the load and for a brief moment they usually do. And it’s true that what I face now would have gone unnoticed next to the dragons of my past but when a tire goes flat, it’s flat, no matter where it may have traveled with strength in the past. It sounds good to me to just rest on the side of the road for awhile, even if my load doesn’t lighten perhaps I can use it as a backrest as I regroup before throwing a spare on.

If I had a Motto (April 19, 2009)

"Sometimes we just have to shed the skin that has been tainted by life's frustrations and disappointments. There is power in saying "that's enough" and doing something about it!"

I wrote this to Christy on Facebook today. After it fell from my finger tips I just looked at it, I think that's my life's motto.

There is so much in life to be appreciated, there is so much in life to disappoint. We are taught to dream, to desire, to hope and to try. But not all dreams are reached, our desires can reap things we did not expect, the breaking of hope can lead us to fear… but there is something to be said of trying. Not just once, cause that would be "tried", but trying again and again and again. The clouds that hide the sun are not so different from our unpleasant thoughts and experiences that cast shadows on the beauty of our lives. Much like this St. Louis spring, it can feel like the rain will never stop, that clouds will never break and that the warmth of summer will never come. But it does, and it will.

When the sun was warm and bright a few days ago, Dexter and I took a long walk zig zagging thru the neighborhood, letting his nose lead the way… I noticed so many beautiful flowers, heard the heart lifting laughter of people working or playing in their yards, smelt bbq, and felt the soft breeze… and I thought “I’m ready for this”. Dexter & I have been feeling a touch of cabin fever in our studio apartment with few windows, feeling deprived of fresh air and sunshine. After that long walk I decided rain or shine, we will no longer feel like prisoners. Hell, if the birds can still sing in the rain I can at least have my windows open to hear them.

Though I’m bundled up much more than I usually choose and sipping on a hot chocolate to keep warm as the rain beats down just inches from my open patio door, I don’t feel as confined by the unfortunate circumstances of the day. Dexter who usually wears a pitiful face when expected to relieve himself in the rain is now darting in and out make the neighborhood aware that he’s on watch. Hearing him shaking his coat free of rain drops brings a smile to my face, it is a much sweeter sound than the groan he usually releases as he lays down on his bed after yet another lap around the apartment.

It is rarely easy to break free of whatever misfortunes that have taken your free spirit prisoner. It’s well known that the weather can affect the mood we carry, just as much as the frustrations of life can rob us of the smile we once wore without even realizing. We can fight thru with positive thinking and attempts to put the attitude in check, but sometimes it takes even more action than that. Happiness is worth fighting for.

“There is power in saying “that’s enough” and doing something about it”

Rising from the Shambles (Sept 25, 2008)

I just had an odd feeling... the "de ja vu" type... and I always try to pay attention to these... mostly cause I don't quite understand them, but still believe they must be there for some reason. I like the feeling. I go thru spurts where they are quite frequent or consistant with certain things. Places, a certain day each year, people... I had a lot of dreams as a kid, some I would think about for days or even years. It wasn't the random or bizarre things in my dreams as much as the impression they would leave... and they usually were ones with unfamiliar faces and scenery. Over the years there have been quite a few that surface from my memory as I face a new change. Tonight was one of those times... and it may not make sense to anyone but me...

the past few years of my life have been crazy and intense, mostly on the emotional level... my every step being strongly influenced by fear... to be specific; fear of things beyond my control. I've been fortunate enough to get just enough of a break in one aspect of my life to handle the struggle I face in another, but the feeling of safety was never close. My inner anchor was no match for the storm around me... and there have been moments of glancing in the mirror where I seriously thought I saw the reflection of the 12 year old girl I once was, that had no idea who she was or was supposed to become.

I hit a low fairly recently... the lowest I've been in over a decade... and it scared me like I could never put into words. Some people around me could see it in my face or hear it in my voice... but it was hard for even myself to grasp. Don't get me wrong, I feel I have a very blessed life, I've had my trials... some doosies too... but I have had far more things to be grateful for even when I was considering taking the fetal position & hide out in a far away corner of the world.

I've finally made some changes and taken some chances... focusing on being happy again. And to top off some everyday changes... I took a random trip home this past weekend, a trip that was not going to involve doing anything that I didn't sincerely want to do... (other than sleeping more... that's one thing I sadly had to give up since I chose to drive). It was exactly what I needed to feel the break of the storm. I took time to enjoy some of the things and people that have brought true happiness to my heart.

The peace I felt tonight instantly took my mind back to a dream I had as a child... a dream where my home was on the path of a tornado. I remember the feelings and scenes I dremt as the tornado tore up what was supposed to be my safe place. I remember searching for safety but only seeing more things fall down around me, watching my life get shredded by harsh winds, pelting rain, and unstable ground. I remember searching for anything that would give me hope, anything that I could cling to until it was over, but the more I reached for the more I lost. The fear was overwhelming and I remember the tears pouring down my cheeks...

But what really made this dream something to remember is not the fear as much as the astounding hope I felt when the storm silenced and the winds were gone. I remember steping from shambles and looking across a torn up landscape... and I felt safe again... not neccessarily having any sort of direction or place to go... but the silence and the rays of sunlight brought such a great peace to me. I remember realizing that I had lost everything, even some loved ones... but I just stood there and took in the silence and considered the opportunity of a new beginning.

The peace I feel after my trip, and the new events of my life... I feel I might have a chance at a new beginning.

and that makes me smile...

Riddles of the Heart (July 6, 2008)

Sometimes I feel like a dog... I enjoy the thrill of sticking my head out the window of the car that's going 60 mph down the open road. I feel the wind in my hair, my squinty eyes are watering from that same wind, my flapping tongue is drying out quickly as it hangs out the side of my mouth and I'm loving every minute of it. Then a bug shoots into my nostel and the next minute I'm sneezing profusely as I pull my head back in. After my airway has cleared I look back at the window, remembering the sting, the pain, the annoyance & disappointment... but even before the uncomfortable memory has faded the wind is in my hair again, my eyes are squinted, and my heart is exploding with joy... but alas... there always seems to be another bug finding it's way up my nose. Not always a lesson learned... but maybe that's part of what makes it so appealing.

Sometimes I can relate to an Ant. I feel I was made to work, it is my purpose, my duty, my only option, built to carry 10x my weight. When I finally think I score big, since I climbed up the side of the house, found a opening in a window that leads right to a nightstand that holds the remains of a tasty snack. I can't wait to show it off to all my friends, I'll be famous back at the hill, the hero... Employee of the month. But then harsh reality sets in as we find ourselves shriveling up and struggling for air as we are sprayed with a killer gas.

Sometimes the salmon run sounds all too familiar... trying to race upstream both against friend and foe but mostly against the current of life in hopes to get some good booty. It always surprises me what a fight I'll put up just in order to get a piece of the one I want. It's not all sex drive though, If I didn't have something more in mind I'm sure I could find another lazy salmon to settle down stream with. But no, I fight the stream not only to get what I hope is the best, but to prove something to myself... and it's when I stop fighting, it's when I let my stream of thoughts push me back and steal the progress I made, that's when I realize what I wanted, and what I have lost. Often the current feels stronger everytime I start over.

I seem to have adapted the traits of a possum... at a starteling sound or movement, perhaps even one that was only in my imagination, I fall over playing dead in hopes to be passed by or over looked by whatever could possibly cause me pain. Silently screaming "Nothing special here, just another stupid 'dead' possum". The past few years I have become prown to watch TOO closely, to strain my eyes and ears to catch any sign of danger... recently I came to realize that if I believe it's there but don't test it, I'm going to think it's there, and I will play dead because the wind russeled the leaves not because there was something lurking waiting to strike. Playing dead only lets life pass me by. Stupid Possum.

Sometimes my heart speaks in riddles I don't even understand... until it could be too late.

But over all... Sometimes I take the same stupid joy rides and make the same mistakes before I've forgotten the consequences. Often I work too hard and it can lead to both my demise and possibly bring pain to those I care about. I have too strong of a sex drive companioned with both fear of and hope for love. I scare too easy, and play dead before I have checked to see if there is really anything there to harm me.

The Pupps

This is just a video of my puppies that makes me smile.

I 'dog' on Chelsea a lot for being ridiculous about begging and pleading for food, but over the past few months I've gained some respect for all the kicks she takes in stride just to get to her one true passion... food. In reality I pretty much eat constantly, so how much crap can I really give the 13 yr old dog that doesn't hear me or Kevin come home, doesn't hear us calling her name, isn't startled by the dryer buzzer or phones ringing, but wakes out of a dead sleep when the fridge cracks open. And at least once a day when the fridge is being shut she backs her way into it hoping we won't notice and leave her to indulge until the shivering is to severe to chew any longer.

At first I felt she resented me a little for moving in on "her man", but I understood completely since Dexter resented both Kevin & Chelsea, and then I slightly resented Kevin when Dexter was much more willing to love on Kevin than I. That's just the name of the game. But I never expected the day to come that Chelsea would act like she liked me more than Kevin... and though I don't spoil her any more than I spoil Dexter... I have food to thank for this accomplishment.

Dexter will always and forever be my pride & joy. I love that everyone that meets him instantly falls in love with him. He is so smart and obedient (except when he wants to taunt you with his toy) and tries his darnedest not to come to the kitchen when he can hear Chelsea prancing under, over and all around my feet. He steps back to let Chelsea in on plate licking and if she doesn't see her treat that has been laid on the floor (her sight isn't very good) he doesn't try to get it.

When my brother Brian's overgrown puppy was inconsiderate and stepping all over Chelsea during our visit home, Dexter would bark and snap at Hanz until he was away from poor Chelsea who was terrified by the huge golden lab feet that were stomping on her back.

I love that he is more comfortable laying at my feet when I'm on my computer than he is on the couch or the bed. I love that even though he is 7 1/2 years old people still ask me if he's a puppy. :) But today I noticed that Dexter is growing old man bushy white eyebrows to match is white chin hairs, and the sadness I feel at the realization that the days are slipping away from us makes me not want to ever face the heartache I will have when I lose my most wonderful and amazing Dexter dog. I wish I could give him more happiness than I feel I have.

The other day Kevin told me that we can't be the kind of parents that have no life outside of our children, not that there is a lot wrong with that, but mostly that he wants to take care of our relationship too. (not that we're pregnant or anything... we just look forward to our life together) I wonder how that is gonna go since we are already so in love and obsessed with our pups... and we already decided our kids are gonna be the bestest and coolest ever... just like our dogs :) Only time will tell.