Once again I'm reminded that my heart is still fragile...
I care instantly; I've always been horribly guilty of that. I care about people before even a word is spoken, before I know they're name, and I may never speak to them or know their name but very often if I have looked at their face I care if they are happy. It's actually a fun trait to have ... I don't feel there are enough people that care with no strings attached, open mindedly just caring... no judgments and no offenses.
I will sit and listen to practically anyone for practically any amount of time (I'm not a saint after all, there are people I day dream of being deprived of the privilege to speak... lol... I guess I just ruined my sweetheart image I was going for) It can be a friend I've known for years or just months... even days, an acquaintance, someone I talk to daily or someone that pops up every 6 months...lol... you know who you are (but don't worry there's more than one of you I was poking at with that comment, all in good fun) ... I am just one of those people under the "good listener" category in the yellow pages.
Though I care instantly, my heart isn't for the taking... very few bust thru that hard candy coating. But the day I realize they have claimed their place, is the day I try to prepare myself for the time that they will take my friendship lightly... and break my heart... despite the little plastic green army men I have standing guard.
This week I realized it happened again... I saw it coming, I tried to prepare myself, I tried to convince myself to make the move first and say "I've had enough, find a new door mat". Despite my emotional buffering, the blow came, and it came hard.
The worst thing... is it comes in silence... utter silence. The kind that makes your skin crawl. The kind the leaves your eyes and ears searching for one sign, as microscopic as it might be... searching for just one word that they still appreciate you and haven't really turned their back. And then a startling noise breaks the silence...
The noise of my heart shattering to pieces
That's the point of no return... that's when they slip back into the same category anyone can be in... I care about them... but they have no claim on my heart... and it's doubtful that they ever will again.
It hurts... it hurts like hell... I can't shake it off and say "they're loss, it obviously didn't mean much anyway" That would be a lie, cause it meant a lot to me... and there is no way for me to pretend that it didn't. Not many know the complete unfiltered Charlotte... so it sucks to lose someone that does, and it should.
The good times were truly good, in every sense of the word. The emotions were real... when she hurt I hurt, when she laughed... I was only encouraged in my bizarre behavior... our secrets were truly secrets; no feather could make me cave.
I've learned a lot... and I'll file it away somewhere in my dysfunctional mind. I guess if you're gonna ride the bull you have to realize there's not so much a 50/50 chance of coming out on top.
I guess that's it for now... I gotta go set up my plastic army men again. Thanks for listening...
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