I just had an odd feeling... the "de ja vu" type... and I always try to pay attention to these... mostly cause I don't quite understand them, but still believe they must be there for some reason. I like the feeling. I go thru spurts where they are quite frequent or consistant with certain things. Places, a certain day each year, people... I had a lot of dreams as a kid, some I would think about for days or even years. It wasn't the random or bizarre things in my dreams as much as the impression they would leave... and they usually were ones with unfamiliar faces and scenery. Over the years there have been quite a few that surface from my memory as I face a new change. Tonight was one of those times... and it may not make sense to anyone but me...
the past few years of my life have been crazy and intense, mostly on the emotional level... my every step being strongly influenced by fear... to be specific; fear of things beyond my control. I've been fortunate enough to get just enough of a break in one aspect of my life to handle the struggle I face in another, but the feeling of safety was never close. My inner anchor was no match for the storm around me... and there have been moments of glancing in the mirror where I seriously thought I saw the reflection of the 12 year old girl I once was, that had no idea who she was or was supposed to become.
I hit a low fairly recently... the lowest I've been in over a decade... and it scared me like I could never put into words. Some people around me could see it in my face or hear it in my voice... but it was hard for even myself to grasp. Don't get me wrong, I feel I have a very blessed life, I've had my trials... some doosies too... but I have had far more things to be grateful for even when I was considering taking the fetal position & hide out in a far away corner of the world.
I've finally made some changes and taken some chances... focusing on being happy again. And to top off some everyday changes... I took a random trip home this past weekend, a trip that was not going to involve doing anything that I didn't sincerely want to do... (other than sleeping more... that's one thing I sadly had to give up since I chose to drive). It was exactly what I needed to feel the break of the storm. I took time to enjoy some of the things and people that have brought true happiness to my heart.
The peace I felt tonight instantly took my mind back to a dream I had as a child... a dream where my home was on the path of a tornado. I remember the feelings and scenes I dremt as the tornado tore up what was supposed to be my safe place. I remember searching for safety but only seeing more things fall down around me, watching my life get shredded by harsh winds, pelting rain, and unstable ground. I remember searching for anything that would give me hope, anything that I could cling to until it was over, but the more I reached for the more I lost. The fear was overwhelming and I remember the tears pouring down my cheeks...
But what really made this dream something to remember is not the fear as much as the astounding hope I felt when the storm silenced and the winds were gone. I remember steping from shambles and looking across a torn up landscape... and I felt safe again... not neccessarily having any sort of direction or place to go... but the silence and the rays of sunlight brought such a great peace to me. I remember realizing that I had lost everything, even some loved ones... but I just stood there and took in the silence and considered the opportunity of a new beginning.
The peace I feel after my trip, and the new events of my life... I feel I might have a chance at a new beginning.
and that makes me smile...
the past few years of my life have been crazy and intense, mostly on the emotional level... my every step being strongly influenced by fear... to be specific; fear of things beyond my control. I've been fortunate enough to get just enough of a break in one aspect of my life to handle the struggle I face in another, but the feeling of safety was never close. My inner anchor was no match for the storm around me... and there have been moments of glancing in the mirror where I seriously thought I saw the reflection of the 12 year old girl I once was, that had no idea who she was or was supposed to become.
I hit a low fairly recently... the lowest I've been in over a decade... and it scared me like I could never put into words. Some people around me could see it in my face or hear it in my voice... but it was hard for even myself to grasp. Don't get me wrong, I feel I have a very blessed life, I've had my trials... some doosies too... but I have had far more things to be grateful for even when I was considering taking the fetal position & hide out in a far away corner of the world.
I've finally made some changes and taken some chances... focusing on being happy again. And to top off some everyday changes... I took a random trip home this past weekend, a trip that was not going to involve doing anything that I didn't sincerely want to do... (other than sleeping more... that's one thing I sadly had to give up since I chose to drive). It was exactly what I needed to feel the break of the storm. I took time to enjoy some of the things and people that have brought true happiness to my heart.
The peace I felt tonight instantly took my mind back to a dream I had as a child... a dream where my home was on the path of a tornado. I remember the feelings and scenes I dremt as the tornado tore up what was supposed to be my safe place. I remember searching for safety but only seeing more things fall down around me, watching my life get shredded by harsh winds, pelting rain, and unstable ground. I remember searching for anything that would give me hope, anything that I could cling to until it was over, but the more I reached for the more I lost. The fear was overwhelming and I remember the tears pouring down my cheeks...
But what really made this dream something to remember is not the fear as much as the astounding hope I felt when the storm silenced and the winds were gone. I remember steping from shambles and looking across a torn up landscape... and I felt safe again... not neccessarily having any sort of direction or place to go... but the silence and the rays of sunlight brought such a great peace to me. I remember realizing that I had lost everything, even some loved ones... but I just stood there and took in the silence and considered the opportunity of a new beginning.
The peace I feel after my trip, and the new events of my life... I feel I might have a chance at a new beginning.
and that makes me smile...
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